Who Will Love Me?

Continuing with the same theme from my post from last Wednesday, I think I've found some answers to the questions I've been asking.

Question #1 
How did I get to the place of work based faith?

Answer:
I've been thinking about this for the past few days, and it wasn't until I read this post  (along with the first 2 of the series, found in the second paragraph of the post)  this morning that everything became clear.  I started to listen to the trap of the enemy because I didn't think that anyone was listening to me. I realize that that seems backwards, but is our rationale ever rational when we go back and look at it?
  I needed to be  told that I am perfect and grand and wonderful just the way I am. 
I couldn't believe in myself because I saw the failure that I truly was.  I didn't need anyone telling me that I would do better next time or that indeed I had failed.  I'd already told myself that more than enough.  What I did need someone to tell me was that I am beautiful, and that a few grades on a piece of paper will not be the ruin of my life.  I needed someone to believe that I am great.
What if last June I had realized that someone was already telling me all those things?  What if I had stopped and stilled my heart to listen intently to the small, still voice that speaks?  I'll never know.
But because I turned away, I saw only the shadow of myself.

The brightness of the Lord was shining behind me, and I chose to instead have my pity-party.  

 I thought that no one cared enough to assure me that I was still okay.

 God wants you to know His radiance.  He wants you to bask in His presence.  He wants to warm you from the cold of winter with His light.

I think that this necklace says it all.  Perfectly.  

Question #2

Why did I find it so hard to pick up my Bible?

Answer:

I have a confession to make.  I don't think that I. Have. Ever. completed a Bible reading plan all the way through.  If I have, I don't remember it.  Okay, so I've never finished a Bible plan... and?  Does that make me a bad person?  Does that mean that I've failed a big test in life?  No. 

The thing that matters is that I did start them, and I did commit to reading the Bible multiple times.  Nowhere in the Bible does it talk about how reading through a Bible plan is the only way or the correct way of studying God's Word.  

Again, all I could see was my failure.  What I couldn't see was all that I really knew.  I spent years in the AWANA program at my church, and I have hidden much of God's Word in my heart.  I couldn't see past my selfishness to realize that indeed, I do remember the stories of my childhood.  

SO...what now? Now, I'm currently over halfway through The Essential 100 Challenge at YouVersion.  And when I finish, I have another picked out.  It doesn't matter to God how much I read each day, but that I read.   

Question #3

Why is it so hard to pray?

Answer:

Because of everything I've already said.  It was a struggle for me to pray, because I didn't think that I deserved to be able to.  Guess what?  I'm not.  But God's grace is limitless, and He sacrificed His son, so that He could have a relationship with me, and so that I could have a relationship with Him.

Prayer and getting out of the pity-party pit begins with humbling yourself before God and giving thanks.    
Starting out my morning by coming to God and simply thanking Him for the day that He's given to let me live is where it all begins.  Prayer without ceasing is what we're commanded to do.  That seems like a big task.  Well, that's because it is.  Instead of being immediately overwhelmed (like I used to get), I just start with the things before me.  

Thank you, Jesus for coffee, and for the energy that it gives me to get through early morning classes.

Thank you, Jesus that I have a house to live in and a car to drive.

Being humble and honest and open with my God is the only way that I can make it through the day.  As I converse with Him, generally people are brought to mind who I right then and there take the time to pray for.  As I'm walking to class, I pray for my school, my classes, and that I would be committed to my school work.  

God isn't seeking perfection or an A+ standard from anyone.  He's just asking that we share.  

  

p.s.

After writing this post I realized that this song says it all perfectly.

2011: A New Year

Blogging for me kind of died about half way through December.  What didn't die was this process of self-evaluation that I'm going through.  For the past month, I have been very challenged to look at my life and see all the "junk" and all of the room for improvement that there is.  Let me tell you that the list is about 50 miles long.  Sometimes I wonder how we get so pushed away from the things that are important, and the things that matter.  How did I get from point A to point B when I don't remember moving at all?  I guess that answer is one little itty bitty step at a time. 

Something I'm very thankful for is that along with the personal smack on the forehead, Katie you're way off track, God has been showing me something big. 

I guess when I really evaluate the last few months in my life, I can see a pattern of sorts.  I would do something, and then I would see that it wasn't right or good or anywhere in accordance with God's will... and I would get scared.  I would ask for God's forgiveness, but then it was like I would fall into a big pit of guilt.  I know in my heart that forgiveness = a clean slate.  That the sin that was forgiven is then thrown into the pit of fire, and forgotten about.  But, I guess my head wasn't following along.  Or maybe it was my head that knew the truth, but my feelings and emotions that weren't quite on track.  Either way, I spent a lot of time in selfish worry and spiritual pain for no reason.

Looking back now, it almost seems that I was trying to line up my life for God with "good works" or something.  The problem with that is, that good works won't get you anywhere.  Only a firm belief and faith in Jesus Christ will guarantee your place in Heaven.  I was unintentionally trying to do the "right thing" in order to get into God's good graces.  The problem with that is that God's grace is free.  All I have to do to receive it is ask for it, and it will be freely given.  I believe that Jesus died on that cross for my sins, and I have accepted Him into my heart.  That means that God's grace is big enough to just swallow me whole.

I will never do enough "good works" or "right things" to deserve Heaven.  I am not big enough or important enough or righteous enough to get anywhere near it.  But God can carry me there.  He can provide everything I'm going to need on the journey, like no one else on Earth can.  Grace is my word for the month, and my goal is to accept it every day.

In the end, I guess it was pretty much a pity-party that I was falling into everyday.  The sad thing is that I didn't even see the signs.  I should know that struggling to pick up my Bible every day, and not knowing what or even where to begin when I pray is a sign that I need to turn around and run straight to the Father.