Hi :)
I've been absent for a while. There's been a lot going on recently, and I'm scared to say that we're already half way through July. Where has the time gone? I feel like the more appropriate question to ask myself is, "What have I been doing lately?"
The past month seems like a blur in my mind. The days all run together, and honestly, I am tired. Sleep has been elusive at most and interrupted at best. I don't know what it is....... Now that I type this, I could smack myself in the head.
When God is trying to tell me something, I generally become very good at being: elusive, interrupting, stubborn, and sometimes just plain daft. Hahaha. This isn't really a laughing matter, but it makes me smile to see how the Lord works.
You see, when I wake up multiple times at night, it generally means that I need to be on my knees praying. I've been so worried about getting enough sleep lately, that apparently I've forgotten all about that. Living in communion with God.
Summer (and my job in particular) has been a consistently difficult time for me, especially the past 3 years, spiritually. I work for the government with a group of people who for the most part don't believe in any religion at all. In an office where personalities clash, and gossip runs full speed around every corner, I find it extremely difficult to live out my faith. 9 times out of 10 I fail.
I feel distant from the Father.
My head tells me He's here, sitting next to me, holding me in a loving embrace.
My heart and emotions tell me that I've messed up one too many times, and that I don't deserve grace. I don't deserve mercy and forgiveness.
But that's what Jesus died on the cross for. He died in my place. He bore the weight of my sins on Calvary.....All because he loves me.
Me: the girl who judges too quick-talks when she shouldn't-forgets to read her Bible- has never finished a Bible study all the way through - and struggles.
The silver lining to this bleak post is that my sins have been forgiven. I've been washed clean in the blood of the Lamb. I'm not perfect. But sometimes, I think I try to be. Jesus doesn't want perfectionism from us, he just wants us. The real-deal, no fancy makeup or nice clothes. We don't have to speak 5 languages and have a degree from an Ivy-league college in order to worship Hosanna. We are invited to stand before the throne, broken and raw. That's a scary place to be.
What are you struggling with? What has God been trying to point out to you lately that you want to ignore?
- Kaitlynn Marie
