2011: A New Year

Blogging for me kind of died about half way through December.  What didn't die was this process of self-evaluation that I'm going through.  For the past month, I have been very challenged to look at my life and see all the "junk" and all of the room for improvement that there is.  Let me tell you that the list is about 50 miles long.  Sometimes I wonder how we get so pushed away from the things that are important, and the things that matter.  How did I get from point A to point B when I don't remember moving at all?  I guess that answer is one little itty bitty step at a time. 

Something I'm very thankful for is that along with the personal smack on the forehead, Katie you're way off track, God has been showing me something big. 

I guess when I really evaluate the last few months in my life, I can see a pattern of sorts.  I would do something, and then I would see that it wasn't right or good or anywhere in accordance with God's will... and I would get scared.  I would ask for God's forgiveness, but then it was like I would fall into a big pit of guilt.  I know in my heart that forgiveness = a clean slate.  That the sin that was forgiven is then thrown into the pit of fire, and forgotten about.  But, I guess my head wasn't following along.  Or maybe it was my head that knew the truth, but my feelings and emotions that weren't quite on track.  Either way, I spent a lot of time in selfish worry and spiritual pain for no reason.

Looking back now, it almost seems that I was trying to line up my life for God with "good works" or something.  The problem with that is, that good works won't get you anywhere.  Only a firm belief and faith in Jesus Christ will guarantee your place in Heaven.  I was unintentionally trying to do the "right thing" in order to get into God's good graces.  The problem with that is that God's grace is free.  All I have to do to receive it is ask for it, and it will be freely given.  I believe that Jesus died on that cross for my sins, and I have accepted Him into my heart.  That means that God's grace is big enough to just swallow me whole.

I will never do enough "good works" or "right things" to deserve Heaven.  I am not big enough or important enough or righteous enough to get anywhere near it.  But God can carry me there.  He can provide everything I'm going to need on the journey, like no one else on Earth can.  Grace is my word for the month, and my goal is to accept it every day.

In the end, I guess it was pretty much a pity-party that I was falling into everyday.  The sad thing is that I didn't even see the signs.  I should know that struggling to pick up my Bible every day, and not knowing what or even where to begin when I pray is a sign that I need to turn around and run straight to the Father.