Sometimes, my walk with Jesus isn't pretty. In fact, sometimes it's ugly. I become a self-centered daughter. I become a danger to myself and others. For a long time I walked around with the ugliness disguised as beauty. The darkness trying to only reflect the light, not actually being light.
2 weekends ago Mar and I had the great pleasure of being Cabin Leaders at the Fall Retreat for our College Ministry. I guess I should back up. Looking back at it now, it was a pleasure. When we found out 2 days before the retreat started that we were going to be leaders, our response was much different. Hahaha... We lead a small group (a.k.a small bible study for women) through the college ministry we attend, and so we were automatically put into the pool of people signed up to be leaders.
240 college-aged students attended Fall Retreat. Each cabin had 10 people, with only a few having 11. Each cabin is paired up with a cabin of the opposite gender to be a group. They then eat dinner together and hang out and just have fun. (I also think it's a ploy to get everyone married..hahaha. Our leadership says that they don't run a dating service, but sometimes..sometimes I'm not sure what they're thinking.)
So yeah. Mar and I find out that we're going to be cabin leaders and we think, "Oh crap. What in the world does that mean and what are we supposed to do." Mar is a middle school leader, and I've taught Sunday school classes...to little kids. Neither of us had any experience with people our own age. We turned it over to God and prayed, "Not for our glory, but for Yours."
:) It's amazing how God always knows what He's doing. You think we'd have figured it out by now...but sometimes we don't.
The Lord spoke to me Saturday night and told me that I was supposed to share my testimony. The whole ugly truth of it that makes it His. So I did...of course I asked every other person in our cabin if they wanted to share...multiple times, but when the lull of conversation came I knew. And then I took the plunge. I revealed to the 10 other girls in my cabin the darkness I had overcome. The darkness I had only shared with one other person in my entire life. Luckily she was sitting beside me, holding my hand.
My chains were broken, and it was at that moment that I really was set free. Even more amazing, was the fact that because I had said, "Okay, God this is for you." He used it to open up girls that I don't think would have. We learned from each other that we all have deep hurts...we're all just pretty good at hiding it. We stayed up until 1 o'clock in the morning. We cried and prayed over almost every girl in the cabin. It was amazing.
The truth will set you free. I've said this before, and people have rebuked me. But I will not be silent. The pain in confession is nothing compared to the love of the Redeemer.
I am amazed that the ugliness that I felt defined me for so long is simply gone. Of course there time that a little part of the ugliness tries to come back. But it is so. much. simpler. to. tell the. enemy. no. now. Seriously.
In my housechurch a few weeks ago we talked about names. We were asked what names the world has given us and what names has the Lord given us. My name, it means "Pure". That right there... it gives me hope that the Lord still has a plan for my life. He knew that I would need that reminder. In Jesus I am pure, whole, and loved.
What are the secrets that you are ashamed of? That you don't want anyone to find out about? Those are the ones that your Abba [Father] wants you to give up to Him. That heavy burden you've been carrying on your shoulders? It shouldn't be there. Cast your cares upon the Lord. Cast your cares like a rod when you fish. If you're still holding onto the lure, then how far do you think your line will go? There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thanks for reading, and until next time,
Kaitlynn Marie
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